


Car Radio

by rockinthebeastmode



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-15 01:11:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16923783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rockinthebeastmode/pseuds/rockinthebeastmode
Summary: Finn’s gonna fix everything. Post S3. Set to Car Radio by Twenty One Pilots.





	Car Radio

_I ponder of something great_

Finn didn’t know if this was the best or worst idea he’d ever had.

He knew Rae didn’t hate him. Sure, she was upset. Why wouldn’t she be? He  _had_  cheated on her.

He had cheated on her with some rando that wasn’t even his type, someone who was open and available and filling his head with all this bullshit.

Bullshit like he was holding Rae back. Like she’d be better off leaving Stamford behind, leaving him behind. Like she didn’t love him enough to stay.

 _My lungs will fill and then deflate_  
They fill with fire  
Exhale desire

Finn shook his head, dragging on his cigarette resolutely. He filled his lungs to bursting with smoke before letting it all go in a huge whoosh.

Katie was full of it, for sure. He knew that as soon as Rae had shown up at his place, wanting to make it work. Now, he had to take the initiative. Fix everything.

_I know it’s dire  
My time today_

He went to look at his car radio for the time and cursed. Damn thing wasn’t even worth shit and someone still stole it. He checked his watch and nodded to himself, starting the car.

The drive to Bristol was only about 3 hours if he kept up speed. He sped off moments later.

 _I have these thoughts_  
So often I ought  
To replace that slot  
With what I once bought  
‘Cause somebody stole  
My car radio  
And now I just sit in silence

***  
_Sometimes quiet is violent  
I find it hard to hide it_

Finn had always been the quiet type. He always felt like he’d say the wrong thing or be completely misunderstood. That seemed to happen more often than not.

So many times, instead of talking, he’d fight and argue instead. Use his fists to prove a point.

He had so many fucking words in his head but he couldn’t get them to come out right. He reckoned if he’d just talked to Rae about how he was feeling, they could’ve talked everything out, figured out an alternative.

He had just been  _so pissed_  in the moment. She told him that fucking interview went to shit, there was no way she’d get in. Then BOOM, let’s celebrate, Finn, Rae’s off to uni and you’re stuck here.

_My pride is no longer inside  
It’s on my sleeve_

He hated seeing her cry. But she did it! She lied to him. He was so heartbroken over that, he couldn’t look past to the truth–that she was just as freaked out as he was. She didn’t wanna leave him, right?  _Right?_

 _My skin will scream_  
Reminding me of  
Who I killed inside my dream

He still has dreams about that night. Like he’s standing on the sidelines as his older stupid dickhead self spews all this shit about her not loving him and needing a break and she’s crying and telling him to wait and finally, _finally_ , he comes from the side, takes that older version’s place and pleads with Rae, begs her to reconsider their options. But she doesn’t. She doesn’t even realize he’s changed. He’s already driven away. Then he wakes up.

 _I hate this car that I’m driving_  
There’s no hiding for me  
I’m forced to deal with what I feel

The engine sputtered and he rolled his eyes as he changed gears, glancing darkly at the empty radio slot. Chop had offered to replace it once he saw it was gone but he reckoned this was his punishment. No music, no noise, no distractions. Just feeling everything instead of repressing it.

_There is no distraction to mask what is real  
I could pull the steering wheel_

What would he do if she turned him away? What would happen if he drove all this way and she said, “No, Finn, it’s over. I’m done with you.”?

He thought of what was left back home for him.

His dad worked more often than not. His Nan was dead. His mother was gone. His mates, well, they were moving on. Archie, Chloe and Izzy were all in school. Chop managed the garage now, had his hands full keeping that afloat.

If Rae wouldn’t take him back, he didn’t have a single fucking thing going for him.

 _I have these thoughts_  
So often I ought  
To replace that slot  
With what I once bought  
'Cause somebody stole  
My car radio  
And now I just sit in silence

***

_I ponder of something terrifying  
'Cause this time there’s no sound to hide behind_

This silence was fucking deafening. He tried to keep his mind on the road in front of him but he was so used to music being in the background of every moment. The lack of music just reminded him that Rae wasn’t here.

He could pin so many moments of his time with Rae to music.  _Columbia_ for when he was just starting to fancy Rae.  _Slide Away_  for when they got back together.  _Fade Into You_  for when he hugged her, wrote I LOVE YOU.

 _No Surprises_  for when he left her behind for Leeds.  _Don’t Go Away_  for when she broke up with him.

 _Wonderwall_  for…well. For always.

 _I find over the course of our human existence_  
One thing consists of consistence  
And it’s that we’re all battling fear

Finn realized now, after a few years of knowing Rae, that fear motivated a lot of her decisions. She was scared to ask him to stay and so he left for Leeds. She was afraid of what people might think of them together and broke up with him. She feared telling him how she felt about leaving Stamford.

He’d been guilty of the same. He’d been terrified she wouldn’t fancy him back so he bottled it, kept his feelings to himself until it all came tits up at her mum’s reception. He’d been scared to talk to her about her issues and so they became the one thing that tore them apart. He’d feared asking her to stay with him. Because what if he really was holding her back?

 _Oh dear, I don’t know if we know why we’re here_  
Oh my,  
Too deep  
Please stop thinking  
I liked it better when my car had sound

God, this silence was driving him batty. All he could think about was every single minute they’d gone wrong and what he could’ve done to stop it. This all happened years ago, why was it still stinging today?

Maybe because they’d never fully dealt with everything. He remembered that night they’d gotten back together, finally made love for the first time. They’d chosen sex over talking, and while they had talked afterwards, did they really hash out everything? Was there something they missed?

 _There are things we can do_  
But from the things that work there are only two  
And from the two that we choose to do  
Peace will win  
And fear will lose

He focused on the road, noting he was about halfway there. Had he really spent an hour agonizing over his relationship with Rae? No wonder they needed to bloody talk.

“What the sodding fuck am I gonna say when I get there?” he exclaimed out loud, his fingers shaking slightly against the wheel. He wanted another cigarette but he wasn’t very good at smoking and driving. He always ended up catching the cherry on the window or getting smoke in his eyes or losing grip on the wheel when trying to ash.

There was only one thing for it really. He’d go in, tell Rae to sit the fuck down and listen and he’d pour his heart out and list every goddamn thing he’d just went over in his head.

And if she still didn’t want him back, he’d pull out the big guns.

He’d tell her that he loved her. He’d tell her that he needed her. He’d tell her that he wanted her by his side.

He’d beg if he had to.

 _There’s faith and there’s sleep_  
We need to pick one please because  
Faith is to be awake  
And to be awake is for us to think  
And for us to think is to be alive

He blasted the AC, cursing himself for driving this late. He’d worked all day and come home to an empty apartment and for what felt like the thousandth time, had thought to himself, I want her back, I need her.

Tonight had been different. He’d dropped to the couch and thought, What if I got her back?

What if I drove to Bristol? Just to visit. Just to make sure she’s okay. Just to tell her how I feel for once.

What if I left right now?

 _And I will try with every rhyme_  
To come across like I am dying  
To let you know you need to try to think

If she didn’t feel the same, fine. He’d lost her twice now. He thought he could get through it again.

But he was dying without her. He was wasting away with the knowledge that maybe, just maybe, she didn’t know the truth. She didn’t know he ached for her, needed her like fucking oxygen.

 _I have these thoughts_  
So often I ought  
To replace that slot  
With what I once bought  
'Cause somebody stole  
My car radio  
And now I just sit in silence

***

 _I ponder of something great_  
My lungs will fill and then deflate  
They fill with fire  
Exhale desire  
I know it’s dire  
My time today

Finn reached her dormitory at half past midnight, frantically smoking a rollie outside in the parking lot. It was late but he knew she’d be up. They’d been known for their late nights, whether with the gang or just each other. Even being alone now didn’t change that.

He flicked the butt away, wiping sweaty palms on his jeans. He took a deep breath, coughing slightly in the cool night air. He went into the building, repeating her room info like a mantra.

Room 3B. Room 3B. Room 3B.

He went to the lift, running a hand through his hair as it ascended to the third floor. He stared into the mirror on the side, pushing at his cheeks and eye circles, sighing at the state of his hair. His jeans were covered in oil stains and his flannel was wrinkled to shit.  _Oh fucking well._  Maybe his disheveled appearance would work in his favor.

  
The elevator dinged open and he strode out onto the floor, looking both ways for B. He found it quickly, only a couple doors away from where he was standing. He bit his lip as he approached the door, holding his arms around himself. He took one more deep breath before he raised his hand to knock.

 _I have these thoughts_  
So often I ought  
To replace that slot  
With what I once bought  
'Cause somebody stole  
My car radio  
And now I just sit in silence

His breath was caught in his throat as Rae opened the door, giving him a look of shock at first. He exhaled in relief when a huge grin broke across her face. She rushed forward to hug him, almost knocking them both to the floor. He couldn’t help burying his face in her neck, inhaling her scent deeply. He noticed her doing the same and beamed, already feeling lighter.

“I was just thinking about you and here you are,” she whispered, still clinging to him. He nodded against her, pulling away to look in her eyes.

“Here I am.”


End file.
